Storying Sheffield

NOW and THEN

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NOW

Remember it is not what you do in life that matters, it is who you are.

Madness? To seek and to hold on to it. Despair leads to many forms of contemplation, and many kinds of action. Despair drives some to greater sanity. Towards the thought of a world as it is and what it might be. Your mind could not in all normality accept the truth: There is nothing to do in Hell, no fulfillment.

To be lost in darkness of void is in its own way peace. I have through experience known it is futile to seek help or solace from anyone except the self. Darkness reigns, Light is weak now.

Our Race is torn apart by greed and those who think they are righteous. Our home is dying a slow death, so slow that the Race does not see it, only the few.

The last one I hold to my heart will soon be lost, and so my darkness grows deeper.

How is it possible for me to be here? Only the truth has the power to conquer darkness. I have been surrounded be lies and deceit. The greatest harm can result from people’s best intentions. It is a familiar and perpetual injustice.

The sentient may perceive and love the Race. But the Race cannot perceive and love the sentient. Is it me who is sad, or am I surrounded by people who pretend to be happy? When inside they are just as sad as I am. Afraid to show any emotion, weakness.

I know I cannot do this alone, yet here I am, what I do hate is being told ‘You’re not on your own’, Why? Because they have never been alone. I am, I suppose, becoming numb to life. I do not expect good anymore and probably would not recognise it if it followed me round like a shadow, I still look for it though. I must keep my core values, honesty and honour. Although I find life for the most part very painful, so my search for solace, peace, goes on. So I will carry on until such time. Don’t expect any answers for I am still looking for them myself.

Letting go is difficult, but letting go of someone you love or care a lot about is far more difficult. I know in my heart that I need to be in love. I also know that for what is left of my life that it will not happen. So I accept this hand I have been dealt. Not to say I am pissed off, but been dealt shitty hands.

The world, my life, becomes narrower every day. I have made attempts to open the gap as it opens. Slightly, the way closes and becomes even narrower than before. I have lost; here is just a small list that I can think of at the moment; Purpose, cohesion, dignity, will, need. I suppose I could go on but what’s the point. Most of my time is spent in flux, chaos. Knowing that to find a constant stability is futile. Everyday a little bit of me disappears. Or maybe that I let it go: values, identity. Who knows what else? ‘Who cares?’ To all around me I seem alright, but the pain and loneliness inside me is overwhelming. The search for solace, comfort, I can only find in myself. What is it? Though I toil for answers with no result, I think that if I do stop looking for the answers it would be time to quit.

I decided to give up one of the therapy places that I have been attending. To my great surprise it is full of the things that I despise. The staff there are more bothered about office politics. They seem lethargic and are just going through the motions. I am not going on further, it’s pointless. I find no purpose there. In the end I felt uncomfortable. This is no good. So again the search for comfort, solace and peace continues. My journey goes on and the path is a little clearer with that hindrance out of the way.

Is this a load of crap that I write? I just don’t know. What am I? A reclusive, loner or hermit?

Sometimes the feeling of ‘Dead man walking.’

There is so little feeling left for this primitive silly world. As in history with civilisations that outgrow themselves with greed and opulence, they have little regard for one another and will in time fall. But this fall I fear, is going to be the biggest the human race will have ever known. Perhaps the end of mankind. I do feel sad but not surprised. I am probably blessed that I will not be around for this holocaust.

This brings me onto the subject of the human trait of ‘Control’. People spend most of their lives trying to manipulate, suppress, destroy, and incarcerate. Just think: relationships, councils, committees, government, religion, families, and friends, are all looking to control you in some form or other. More often than not loosing themselves as human beings. It’s sad but it happens. I try my utmost to steer clear of these people. Another big factor here is that some people need, or want to be controlled. Either by their nature, or perhaps conditioning, when humans, during their young years, pick up the social environment they live in. People who have FREEDOM cannot deal with it because with freedom comes responsibility. Indeed a heavy price to pay. So if humans do not take these hand-in-hand they will be controlled by others, and subsequently loose freedom.

What are some of the responsibilities of obtaining freedom? First and foremost is to respect other people’s points of view in their world. But always be wary of them wanting to force their views upon you. Be warned, just walk away. Not always easy to do depending on survival. Remember, on your journey, you are looking for the path that leads to ‘Peace and Solace’. In looking for these you must remember not to affect, or make demands, on others. Although these seem dreamlike they do exist. But in this world at present are not in ascendancy. If you find them it must first be within ‘Yourself’.

Beware of ‘Control’ and ‘Want’. This is in the main what drives humans. If you can let go of these you are well on your journey. But remember humans are not ready for freedom and all that it entails. If humans do manage to get through this dark time that they are in they may survive. It may be through technology, or through evolution, who knows, and who cares? Not enough I’m afraid. Far too little, far too late.

Although I accept freedom and its responsibilities, I also accept that with people and society in general this will be the case for many hundreds of years to come. Accept it, but the less you demand or want from society the less control they will have.

I know that I’m not handling the loss of the ones I love, but I am trying my best. Sometimes though that is not enough. It would be so easy to destroy yourself, and whatever chance you may have of making a recovery. They say that change is a good thing. Try telling that to ‘Conservatives’. To conserve is to keep as it is, in good order. The only change these people like is ‘Gain’, that is when change is good! People like these in most cases are not good.

When you find yourself in this situation all you have is ‘You’, the ‘Self’. It is difficult for most humans to be alone, we are social creatures after all. It does take a special kind of inner strength to learn to be a solitary person after so much time in a family scenario. After seven years of living alone, I still have conflicts with myself wanting to be alone, but, on the other hand, needing contact with others. The latter leads, for me, to disappointment. Demands are made of you, they want to control and change aspects of your life to their own advantage (Disappointment).

Each time this happens, the need to be with humans decreases. I know someday I will not need them at all. Deep down inside lies hope. Keep it suppressed, if it surfaces you must suffer disappointment again. It’s a forlorn hope and must be overcome.

Those who seek shall not find. Those who give shall not receive. What I am trying to say is do not expect anything good if you do seek. You must seek within yourself, as it’s the only real chance you have to find peace solace, and comfort. Believe me, they are more valuable than any materials in this world. They are not easily found, yet they are so close to you. Don’t look out, and look within. If you have the strength to let go of needs and wants you may find yourself in a different place.

Don’t get me wrong you will encounter many pitfalls and traps along the way. You will want and you will need. But if your aim is true you will crawl out of the pits and traps to continue the journey for peace, solace, and comfort which can only be found within yourself.

Although I know the way, I am not there yet. But I have been close to it many times. This gives me the determination to keep going, to find the resting place. At the start of the journey you will experience fear, disorientation, and want life as it was. This will remain for some time, perhaps the rest of your life. If you’re lucky you will learn to encompass it in your life. But accept that ‘Shit Happens’: If someone shouted ‘manure’ I would be the first to jump on the shovel. Believe that there is an end to the journey you take. The end may have different outcomes, but keep this in mind it will have been your choice. Anger will be sprinkled all along the way. Give this particular attention, if not it will consume you and any purpose that you possess will be lost. Use all your resources to defeat anger. It will be a major step in completing the journey for peace. Don’t look to others, you must reason away anger many times on your journey.

Do not judge people but judge yourself. Ask yourself, ‘am I doing right?’ ‘Am I hurting anyone?’, ‘Is this really what I need?’ In your journey you will experience storms of emotion that you never imagined existed. The letting go of things such as companionship and love. Yes you may find love but keep in mind that it most likely will not be reciprocated. Indeed these are some of the traps and pitfalls along the way. Another problem you may have is sex. Remember you are an individual, deal with this as you will. But do not use or hurt anyone for your own needs, and give to those who need or want without any detriment to yourself. The journey you are on is to find yourself. If you achieve this sex becomes a minor issue in your life, you will be awed by the peace, solace and comfort that you find. Sex will not be an issue anyway: you can always have a w**k if things get the better of you! Enough of this it’s not important. If it is you are going to struggle.

Keep no secrets and you will not have to tell any lies. Especially with yourself. Being in a state of denial can be very dangerous and must be over come as soon as you can. It will impair your judgment and prevent you continuing your journey. Learning to accept your burdens and past will make your road easier. It is a very hard task. People will complicate things, only you can make it simple. I know this is easier said than done, and yet another pitfall to overcome. Advice will flow freely from people. Go this way or that way. Listen and absorb, study what they say, but be very careful. It is after all your journey and there will be many crossroads along the way. If you take a wrong turn, turning back will extend finding what you really seek. Quite a lot of the time, what you seek comes to you. When it arrives it may not be what you expected. So you must carry on your way again. Remember your journey may take a lifetime, so don’t be disappointed too much when you feel you have not found what you seek, for it is there in the labyrinth of life.

When I say that the end of your journey will be your choice, do not let others make the choice for you. Value your freedom, because in most cases, people, in whatever guise, will try to restrict or even take it away.

‘Drugs’. Ah this is a big quandary. Many people find solace in taking drugs but it’s a false place. Temporary, although it may be part of your journey, and indeed could be the end of the road. Do not blame anyone if you take this road. What you possess in dignity will be lost. You have to be prepared for the consequences this road offers you. In doing so you may loose what is the most precious thing you possess: freedom. Self control, solace, peace and comfort, lost. Dependency will consume you and the way will be lost. To control this takes great strength and I have to say in most cases help will be required, plus a massive amount of inner strength.

Aids that have helped me along the way are honesty, honour and belief. These are yours. Every effort must be made to keep hold of these, and it will help you to maintain your dignity. Although you may drop them from time to time, never lose sight of them. Pick them back up the first chance you get.

Pride can be a woeful enemy. If you have this in any quantity you will experience trouble and turmoil all along your journey. It will lead you to lie, not only to yourself, but to others and complicate any road you take. Accept humiliation for it is only a perception of what you think others think about you. Be humble on your way, being alone requires that you ask as little as possible from others. Most of all don’t expect anything.

I would like to talk a little about ‘Want’. During the course of you reaching your teens you will be conditioned by society, and all that is around you, to want things that you don’t really need. Even through adult life, you will be brain-washed into wanting. Once you set off on your journey you have to reject these pangs and learn to live with what you believe is as little as possible. You would be surprised at how little you need to live a fulfilling life. This would be a major factor in assisting you on your journey. Of course drugs come under this category as a ‘Want’.

‘Expectations’: Best not to have any. In most cases they will be dashed. Don’t expect and you will not be disappointed. Sometimes I say to myself- ‘Bollocks!’ Circumstances are in flux throughout your life. Alright sure, but you have to have control and freedom. This will mean that you are in control of your circumstances.

‘Giving’: Alright not a problem here. But do not expect anything in return. Beware of people who give, for they will make demands of you (pitfall).

Personally, I have come to realize that I cannot fall in love again. I did so about four years ago knowing that it would not be. That hurt, so I decided I won’t let that happen to me again. It distracted me from my journey and took a long time to get over. Sod that. It’s not a failure. Ask yourself these questions with openness and honesty, most of all with your honour. If you can answer yes to the questions then you have not failed. You can be free to respect yourself: Were you truthful? Were you truthful to yourself? Do you still intend to carry on your journey?

If someone turns their back on you, stand and watch them walk away. It is not what you seek. Once out of sight you must turn and carry on your journey. Strength will be gained from these experience in most cases.

I often ask myself what is it that I seek and always come up with the answer of peace, solace, and comfort. These are my primary goals in my life now.

‘Truth’: Here we go. A touchy subject for me as you may have gathered. Could you accept the truth? Or will you use the old trait of denial? If you opt for denial then your journey has just hit a roundabout or loop. We all do some wrong in our lives, to a lesser or greater degree. Perhaps if you forgive yourself your journey will continue. Remember this again: The choice of acceptance or denial is yours. Many truths you will find along the way, some you may like but some inheritably not. Understanding and reason is required all along the way.

Are you seeking in the right place? I have wasted so much time looking for the wrong things, although at the time I thought it was the right place.

Once again it may not be your own fault, if you let people influence you. They will try be assured. They may also prevent you from finding the truth. Lack of facts, information, dis-information (lies). These are thrown at you in a bid for control. The truth is a maze. It could help you along your way, but like all mazes you could find yourself lost for a considerable time, perhaps for the rest of your life. You could ask yourself if it is wise to seek the truth all of the time. A very delicate decision has to be made each time you seek the truth. Bear in mind that it could be very detrimental to your journey.

Is it Support, or Interference? A greatly camouflaged area. Consider this: Someone who you think is interfering may in fact be trying to support and help you the best they can. Whilst on the other hand someone who you feel is supporting you and doing you good is interfering and trying to control. A prime example is that someone who gives either materially or mentally may start to begin to make requirements of you. Can anyone give you one hundred percent support? Is it your need or want? If you’re lucky and have the strength you will see the differences. It will be different for each individual you encounter or have encountered in the past. If you find yourself reliant on these people you may find trouble on your journey. Learn to live on your own if you can, I do understand that it is impossible for some people to do this, but you are at a vulnerable stage in your life and must look after yourself. You are born with no want of material things: All you need is food, shelter and warmth. Don’t go to extremes, like being born again and all that stuff. Just try and lead the rest of your life being at peace with yourself.

You must ask yourself some searching questions along your journey, the want of what you perceived to be a normal life have gone, they have in my case. What is it that you want in life? Drugs, sex, some sort of buzz? Perhaps the search for peace, comfort and solace? Some may want wealth and riches. Will any of these things bring you happiness? If you have any of these materials will you still want more? I think that you might. Of course I may be totally wrong. In the hope of finding the road for your journey you must make these choices. In doing so, do not let people’s judgment of you affect your choice. Go on the road with honesty and honour. Remember, what you may want is not necessarily what you need.

If you can break away from want, you may find happiness. Which is a rare commodity. Don’t look for it, let it find you. If you pick it up along the way, great, but don’t expect it as a right. If you keep wanting, your journey will be long and arduous.

Time Out.

I’m a little confused at the moment. One dear to me I am not going to see any more. I should be used to this by now, but I have to admit I have lost my focus. Through experience I know this will be temporary, but that does not mean I don’t get hurt. It just doesn’t last as long. Goddamn emotions. Even if you do action all the things that are meaningful in your life, do right to all the people that you love. It does not mean that you will be rewarded in any way. This will cause you great pain: One that must be overcome. Other people will seem to be strong. But may have not experienced what you have.

I do not judge, yet I am judged. It is good that I have learned to walk away from these people. As time progresses I loose more of my past, my memories. I am still often confused and find myself just ambling down the road missing signs that might lead me to my place. Time is wasted, re-tracing my steps to find my true path. Many distractions occur, some may promise hope or a belief, but to lose your way is to me, stressful, frustrating and hurtful. So making the journey alone is acceptable and in the long run better for me.

I know what it is that I look for, but have not yet found it. Although I feel lost I say ‘I don’t care’ but that is not the truth. Why is it that I am now unable to meet or find the good in anyone, all I see is take. Sad.

Whilst I write this a struggle is taking place, a dense fog has surrounded me. I feel becalmed. I know many, many days have past and that I am, of sorts, moving again, although reluctantly. Perhaps I am leaving a warm place, although dark. I move back into the light of day. Wait, stop. Too bright I tell myself. I Move slowly, not sure if I move in the right direction. At least I am still moving now. People who have not been in my life for some time have made contact again. Is this temporary, why have they decided to make contact? Perhaps the answers may come and perhaps I don’t want to know the answers. Must keep on walking.

Don’t get me wrong I do like beautiful things. But I don’t see it in humans. We, although animals with sentience, are the cruelest creatures on the planet.

Don’t want to see anyone. Sleep non-existent. Started a ‘Cognitive Behaviour Therapy’ course this week. It does not give me any solace or peace. The realisation that I prefer to be alone dawns on me more and more. I look around my flat: I have enough food supplies for four days. Good, don’t have to go out.

I have finished the course (CBT). It left me a little confused, not upset though. Think it was trying to tell me to be more outgoing and stuff. I will continue my journey and if someone wants to hitch a ride okay, but I am not going to invite anyone. It caused me to look back on a few things in my life, which I do not often do, as I have spent so much time burying the past. It caused me to break my record: Some fourteen days have past without any real sleep.

Alright, at this point in time I am taking a rest from this, but would like to say this:

** Standing by the wayside begging for a ride, I’ve been waiting so long a year has gone. Lonely Sunday morning rest in peace my love, I’ve been sleeping so long a year has gone. How could I ever stop to tell you the end is almost here, the sound of bells are ringing in my ears, playing loud, playing clear. This sound will never change the memory will always be so near. You were all I lived for I guess my life is through. I’ve been living so long I can’t go on.

This is how I’m feeling at this time. Perhaps things will change, doubt it though.